Exams thus far

Everytime I read ZY's blog, I'm inclined to blog myself. Part inspiration, part good distraction from studying. For the latter, it really is, it beats facebook, youtube etc which are in some way, endless. You find video after video to watch and next thing you know, an hour has passed and you still have not gotten cracking on the studying.


So exams have been going on for 11/2 weeks now. First week was relatively easy, few questions I know I've done wrongly now but I think overall I can pass and the general disappointment I feel is perhaps more attributed to the fact that I've studied but failed to spot the question/issue when it came about and also the underlying fear that we will be marked very strictly and cannot pass.


Yesterday's conveyancing was the killer though. We were promised ONE  question only but that was as we say  in law, a prima facie promise. It was one ridiculously long problem question with 20 questions contained within. I really wonder whether whoever set the exams actually sat down and attempted the question themselves. 20 minutes in 2 hours means 6 minutes per question. When question included drafting a novation assignment, you must be out of your mind to think that it can be completed in 2 hours. I think in practice, I take about 2 hours to draft just one novation assignment alone!


All things taken, I'm glad I'm pulling through this exams and with Commercial Practice and Professional Responsibilities left, I can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The exams have been rather nerve-wrecking and though I think last year's Part A was worse, this isn't that much better either. I psych myself to say that this is me versus the paper and it is a challenge but truth be told, I whimper out silently if I could. Except that all I've done for the past 7 years culminates in this.. GETTING QUALIFIED and the thought of throwing away 7 years work especially the last 2 years scares the hell out of me.


Exams aside, there's a lot to look forward to after that. First up is the Stanchart Half Marathon. I told Ahmad today that I'm prepared to suffer through Sunday and that's not too far from the truth. I know I'll suffer, I'm not mentally prepared for that. I wish to get a timing of 2 hr 20 minutes (2 hour 15 minutes would be a great big bonus) but I did 12km last week and though I felt good then, my body was aching for the next 2 days. I'll just try to make it through Sunday and live to fight another day, Sundown perhaps.


After that, I got a week to run errands, spend time with Vivien (Ikea trip and movies), play with my new camera, etc. Also, within that week will be Leaders' Prep and AGM where I'll after 14 years, officially dis-associate myself with CYF. It will be sad but I know my time is up and that alone deserves a blog post of its own, one I'll probably do after AGM. Thereafter, it's my trip to Perth to catch U2! Greatly excited about the concert and the wine tours, not so excited about spending 1 week in a sleeping bag on the floor.


And before I can get to all that, it's the exams first.. back to the books!

Disappointment

So Vorsprung Durch Tecnik my ass..

As sudden as her last "announcement", Mum suddenly said "Wah, Audi very expensive hor.. Don't want to buy already"

I was majorly pissed off. So pissed off that it easily fueled at 13km run for me that night. Before setting off on the run, I told her that in future, don't tell me about any more of these things until she's actually bought the house/car. Pointless.

So now she's settled on a Volkswagon Passat. I guess that's better than nothing though I'm still terribly sore about the change in plans. I'm not gonna get involved in this whole decision making process, I'm just quietly driving the Nissan now and as and when she changes, then so be it, no point getting my hopes up for nothing.

In other recent disappointing news, Burma (because I refuse to call it Myanmar) has held their sham of an elections. Truly what motivates people to be so evil? To trap an entire country of people from progress just for your own personal power and gain? It's cliche to say the least but there really really really must be a special place in hell for people like that.

And might I add that I'm sick and tired of this diplomacy game. There was a fair bit of pressure on Burma post-2007 but we (and by we, I mean ASEAN) decided to let matters ease because the Junta announced that they'll hold an election. The reports streaming out of Burma on Sunday really just means that we've been hoodwinked into not just giving them more time to adjust their asses in their seats of power, but also has now allowed them to "legitimise" their reign. And really, "hoodwinked" is just being polite to some of the most weak-willed politicians the world has ever seen, including (and I'm sad to say this, Singapore). We've turned a blind eye to the plight of a nation. We see the suffering and pain the people are going through, we see the political prisoners being wrongfully held captive, we see monks being beaten on the streets and we see the rule of law torn to shred and we instead turn our gaze the other way.

I feel upset for the Burmese people and it pains me even more that there's nothing I can do about it. I wish them well.

Vorsprung durch Technik

Last night, whilst driving my Mum home from Grandma's, she suddenly presented me with 2 options.


Both very good options but it left me severely torn. Not wanting to sound like a spoilt brat, I went for option 1 (though really, option 1 spoils me quite a bit too)


It has left me pondering though whether I made the right choice.


This morning, realisation hits.


Option 1 is her dream. Option 2 is more my dream. Why should I let her spend money on fulfilling my dream? I'm glad I made the right choice, plus in any case, it is not like I'm not going to benefit from her dream.


Vosprung durch Technik..

Birthday Celebrations

Long overdue so let's do a little write-up about birthday updates. Immensely enjoyed this year's birthday. Often, the control freak in me likes to plan my own parties. Not birthdays but Christmases and such. However where birthdays are concerned, it can sometimes be a little depressing to be planning your own birthday. This year however, I got a little of a best of both worlds situations where friends would let me plan part of it but handle the rest.


F was sweet and msged me about 3 weeks before the bday to ask "Do you have any plans on 10 October?". A series of sms ensued and in the end, we gathered at Jules Cafe and Bar for my birthday celebration. I was rather sick that day and was disappointed that I could not play, what more, go near my Godson but surrounded by friends, I could not ask for anything more.


The Warwick gang also pitched in and we had dinner at Yantra. G and I were initially craving for Nandos having seen it at the entrace to Tanglin Mall but given that R had pulled some strings for this dinner reservation, we kept our hankerings to ourselves and settled down for some Indian food. Food turned out fantastic and honestly, apart from the fact that I would look like a complete pig, I really could never get enough of Indian food. The gang also bought me a lovely pair of Paul Smith cufflinks (R chose it) and I'm looking forward to wearing it when I start work once more. Though I also anticipate a fair amount of metrosexual/gay comments from everyone.


With H's bday near mine and knowing how busy the other two are, H and I took it upon ourselves to choose a location, date and time for our bday dinners. My suggestion of going to Disgruntled Chef was taken up and we pigged ourselves out over some pretty good food. Not fantastic, but not bad. What was even better though was opening that bottle of Zinfandel from Rubicon Estate, Napa Valley that I bought 3 years ago. I remember it to be a rather light wine but the wine had truly aged well and was a splendour of flavours in my mouth and more than anything, I was glad I had the right company to appreciate the wine with. H also picked out a beautiful Celine tie for me which with every sight, I'm falling more and more in love with.


If this past year of  relationship mishaps and singlehoods have taught me anything, it is that I am truly surrounded by wonderful friends and though most, it not all of you, do not know of this blog, I thank you all deeply. 

In an odd dreamland

Spent a few minutes talking to V after my lunch. As I stood outside the library whilst on the phone, I turned around a certain former AG came around the corner. I was so stunned to see him so up close and in the flesh that I had difficulty suppressing my reaction of awe till he passed.


I related to V how he collects teddy bears and V remarked that it is rather creepy for a man his age to be collecting teddy bears. I said I thought it was rather cool in an eccentric sort of way and remarked that since all geniuses have some odd trait or behaviour, I should develop one too. At least for future usage.


After a short discussion, because obviously V will not be so kind as to entertain my thoughts for that long, I decided that supporting Arsenal should be my trait. Such that whenever Monday rolls along and if Arsenal had lost over the weekend, my associates will steer clear of bringing me their work and will whisper in hush tones to each other "Watch out.. Arsenal lost this weekend!"


If all else fails, I shall also develop some strange twitch (inspired by the one and only twitch-cher) that I'll suffer from whenever Arsenal loses.


Alright, enough day-dreaming. Back to trying to get qualified in the first place.

Melancholic

Celebrated my birthday this week. Not surrounded by family but surrounded by many many many friends. There's a time to give thanks for all the love.


But for now, I'm just feeling blue.


I stand by the decisions I've made. They are/were selfish but such is life and such is love.


Inevitably, I've hurt others and not to be presumptuous but will probably continue to do so.


Must happiness always come at the expense of someone else's sorrow?


Must life always be led with the handbrake on?


When the wind is blowing in your face
When the world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love


Ahh.. Melancholy, thou art true bitch,


striking you when you least expect it

GOAT for Arsenal?

Once in a while, I get this question, mostly from fellow Arsenal fans but sometimes from supporters of other clubs.

Who is your favourite Arsenal player of all time?

In some way, I always feel like that's a trick question. It feels like you're supposed to name someone old like Charlie Nicholas or Liam Brady to show that you have been supporting Arsenal for a long time. Or you could name someone real underdog like David Rocastle or Gilberto Silva to show what an appreciation you have for Arsenal players. Or you could name someone timeless and classy to demonstrate your taste for beautiful football like Dennis Bergkamp.

And I really feel hard press to name any one at all and proclaim that player as the best there ever was.

This video though really does show why Henry is one of the best, if not the best.

PMS

Depressed, upset, moody, emotional and constantly assessing my life.


Ahh.. the birthday must be near..

Of friendships and such..

7 years into adult life, one of the things I still struggle to deal with is drifting apart or losing friends. I make reference to adult life because it sounds to me like one of those childish and churlish things that one should handle better after the acne-filled years have passed. Alas, I am still plagued by acne and so I shall continue on my teenage rant.

Recently, on the way to supper, G told V that you'll reach a stage in life when you realise you don't have to be friends with everyone, that you just have a niche group of friends and that's good enough. To some extent, I agree, though I think such sentiments should not be taken to the extreme. So though I may agree that we often end up hanging out with a niche group, it still hurts to know that you've lost or drifted apart from someone.

Recently, D got married. Naturally, a lot of people were invited and not surprisingly, I didn't count as one of them. We've certainly drifted apart but the manner in which we did still hurts till today, albeit much less. I'm not bearing a grudge here but I think I'll always remember when D suddenly pretended like we never had this "bro-sis" relationship. V said I should know that D is odd like that and I should let it go and really, I should and yet why can't I?

I've been re-reading Jane Eyre recently, a lit text I used to have to tackle in JC. I'm certainly enjoying this second reading much more and plan to blog about it some other time. But one of the quotes that always struck close to my heart was something Helen Burns told Jane when they were at Lowood.

"Hush, Jane! You think too much of the love of human beings.."

Today, tidying through my mail, I found an email I sent to T when I was in London last year. It was a quick email but basically telling him that I'm in London and that if he's still around, we should meet up since I haven't seen him in 2 years. I had also previously tried to call him (number no longer in use) and messaged him on msn (didn't reply). Alas, I suspect mine is a friendship he has decided to let slip. 

We were so close before. So close I at one stage wanted him to be one of my "xiong di"s when I get married some day..

I'll end of this post with another quote from Jane Eyre.

"Would you not be happier if you tried to forget her severity and the passionate emotions it excited? Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs?"

I certainly don't bear animosity or am registering wrongs but perhaps the message that life is too short to worry about such stuff is applicable here.

Another run, another struggle

Another run yesterday. According to the training programme I've adopted for the Nike 10km run which I'll be doing in 3 weeks time, I had to do 7 miles. Of course stupid me didn't factor in that it was in miles and all I thought was "Well, 7 is less than 10 and if I have done 2 10 km runs this week, 7 should be chill". Then it hit me. Miles. MILES. An online convertor soon made realise that I had to do 11.2 km! "Ridiculous" I thought. Who does 11.2 km to prepare for a 10 km run!! Of course I know it makes perfect sense and alas, what has to be done, has to be done.


Took to the roads after another day in the library. I had skipped lunch and was pretty much fueled up with junk food. Didn't help that the evening sun was still up and it made for hot, humid conditions. I took a loop around the school, being Evans Road, Cluny Road, Holland Road, Farrer Road, Dunearn Road, through botanical gardens, out to Cluny Road again and back down Evans Road and into the school compound. Construction along Farrer Road aside, it was a good run and at the 10km mark, I looked at my watch and lo and behold, the magical sub-hour timing still stood.


58 minutes was the record this time.


The 4 minute mile idea truly works. Once you go under, you'll always go under. Well, maybe a little premature to say but I'm still excited nonetheless.


Told my mum that strangely, my legs have not been aching as badly as I would think they would be after clocking 31.2 km in the last 5 days. Truth is, I woke up this morning and man are my legs soft! And according to the programme, I still have to do a 40 minute easy run today! I suppose it will help in getting the blood circulating and will aid in draining away some of the lactic acid but the thought of another run today.. gosh.. I wish I could say that I'm addicted to running but the truth is, I'm really far from that. I like the fact that I feel fit and am losing weight but if I could sit at home on the sofa and have the same effects happen, I take that any day.

When you drink no noir, you pinot noir.

Was craving for a good bottle of wine (and company of course. Wine must always be paired with good friends) so I texted R and H and both replied saying they had dinner plans but could possibly do a late drink. Perfect timing for me since it gave me time to study a little longer at the library before heading home to get changed.

We ended up meeting at Wine Company @ Dempsey at 10.30 pm where we bumped into R's friend who works there. She not only recommended us a beautiful 2006 Nevis Bluff Pinot Noir but signed off on our bill as well to offer us a nice 20% discount.

We talked, laughed and between the 3 of us, finished a bottle with a large portion going into satiating my thirst. In retrospect, I should have tempered that drinking since I'm now seated back in the library, nursing a mild hangover whilst attempting to work on my commercial practice essay.

Onwards and forwards I say.

Madone on the Madone

Col De Madone - 12km ride in the Cote-D'Azur region.


That's and the video above is as much as I can find about this little legend of a ride. Perhaps the bike that's named after it is more legendary, the Trek Madone and someday, I want to ride up the Col De La Madone on a Trek Madone.


That would be another feather in the cap for me, a legendary ride.


Had a look at this guy's blog. Riding through Monaco? Amazing!

One of a Kind, yes you are.

I almost done feel like writing this letter to you today girl. I'm a little tired of crying and well, writing to you always seems to have this effect on me. But there's just so much to tell you and also, I think this is perhaps a good indicator of how well I'm recovering from losing you. Sometime though, in some masochistic manner, I don't want this pain to go away. I feel like I would have done you a great wrong if I think of you and I don't well up, I don't feel that lump in my throat, I don't feel that hot sting in my eye and I don't feel my heart shatter.

Anyway, Mummy went to the doctor again today for another consultation on her leg. It sounds bad but it's really good news. They found a tumour on her back, it's benign and after her Taiwan holiday, she'll go for her operation on the 24th. This time, all the symptoms match the diagnosis which is really really good. It means the diagnosis is correct or at least comes very close and after the operation, hopefully she'll regain full feel and control of her legs and she'll be out and about once more. I like to believe you're still being the wonderful, loyal servant and watching over her in heaven. Or maybe you're just at God's right hand, using your nose to nudge Him into helping her. Heh, it sounds blasphemous but at this rate, maybe we should start the beautification process for you!

I went running today. Saw a lot of dogs along the way and it naturally, I'm reminded of you. Yet the association with them only comes as far as you're both dogs. Somehow, I never saw another dog and went, "hey, she looks like melou" or "hey, she behaves like melou". The closest was probably that maltese we saw at the vet when we brought you there THAT day yet while Mummy echoed my thoughts and said "look like melou right?", deep in my heart, I thought "No, you're one of a kind." And I'm not just saying that coz I'm madly in love with you, well, love blinds so we don't really know, but you are always one of a kind to me. Your maddeningly cute looks, your warm behaviour, your quiet self.

I'll end here. If you must know, I'm merely tearing and choking up a little whilst writing this. No longer engulfed by my emotions and sobbing uncontrollably. I still miss you though and I hope you're doing well my good friend, take care of yourself and be a little more sociable with the other dogs k, you're always so unwilling to play with them. 

"Must be funny.."

I just settled some credit card bills and it is a sign of the extreme unwillingness to tackle the final question on my assignment that I'm here blogging about finances.


There is a strange satisfaction derived from knowing my finances are in order. Of course when I mean "in order",  I take into account that with most things in life, it's all relative. There's still a princely sum owed in my credit card bill but that will only become due next month.


A week ago, ST published this article about how the 20-something in Singapore are the most debt-saddled. Honestly, I hardly find that news-worthy. I remember a couple of years ago when Banker Scarlet told me about how led the poor audit life for a while, spending beyond his means and often paying only the minimum for his credit card bills. At that point in time, I secretly told myself not to go in his direction. Alas, 2 years on, I'm stuck in a similar situation though I comfort myself with the fact that being on PLC now means I'm paid significantly less than even what he got when he was an auditor. Sure sure, some people (and I have V in mind when I say this) will point out to me that it is precisely because I'm not earning so much that I should be spending less.


Alas, I too recognise that I have such a penchance for the finer things in life that I have little financial discipline. 


To be fair, it's not like I don't try. Since deciding on that U2-Perth trip, I've tried to take public transport more often and that has been significantly aided with the help of my iphone which gives me such wonderful info on when the next bus is arriving. I've also tried hard to keep with hawker food whenever possible. Also helps that I've lately been more inspired to work out more - a money-free activity. 


Truth is, I can't wait to get back to work and start drawing that associate pay.  Certainly more than anything else, I'm craving that title and recognition that I've been working and eyeing for the past 3 years but the pay is definitely something I look forward to. I plan to save a sizable portion to but I have quite a number of big ticket items in mind and I also plan to celebrate my call with some people who have journeyed and motivated me through the last 3 years.


Since I'm on this topic of money, it is worthwhile to end off this entry with a quote from J, a good army buddy of mine who now runs in the consultancy-banking industry in London.


"99% of the world's problem can be solved with money. The other 1%.. just requires more money" - JT  

Defying Gravity

Still stuck in the rut of essay writing. I take comfort in the fact that these essays require a more practical approach and not the substantive law type that I used to do in Warwick which requires an analysis of the statutes and a comparison between cases.

In any case, I have a few things I'm looking forward to after the essays are done.

One is that I've arranged to bring my Godson out to Jacob Ballas on the 9th. Was very happy when there was evidently a bond growing between the 2 of us, and honestly, a little bit of a relief too that he is starting to recognise his Godpa but since then, I've not seen him in quite a while already and I thought I better spend a day or two with him to make sure he doesn't forget me. Hehe..

And why do I say that it is a day or two? Well, my kind friends, F in particular, have taken the trouble of organising a little birthday lunch for me the next day and I'm assuming my Godson will make an appearance as well. F messaged me some time back, asking cheekily if I'm free for lunch on 10th. She also asked me to suggest a place and though I had a place in mind, my atas self always does a self-check and so I didn't dare suggest a place, leaving it to them to decide instead. The decision was made and it was supposed to be No Signboard (?!!). Didn't want to do that and since I already got an idea of the budget they had in mind, I suggested Jules Cafe Bar and though I got chided for it, it looks like we're indeed going to Jules! Yay!

In other news, I finally did a 10km run under an hour yesterday! Wasn't too keen on running initially but given the amount of workload over the next few days, I knew I had to grab my chance for a workout whenever possible so quickly slipped on my shoes and headed out of the house. Started the run and surprisingly, despite not having had any dinner, I felt in good form, my legs felt light as air and my pace was pretty decent! I resisted all temptation to look at my watch as I didn't want to spoil this feel-good moment but when I finally did so at where I knew was roughly the 7km mark, I was about 40 seconds off the pace. At that point in time, almost all of me felt like it wasn't going to happen after all, that I'll just do a decent run and some day, that elusive 10km/hr pace might finally come.

I kept going anyway, this time with very little aspirations apart from completing the 10km run. Then when I got to the 8.2km mark, I looked at my watch again and I was about 30 seconds off the pace. I decided it was worth a try, especially if I upped the pace a little. "Defying Gravity" from the Ipod timely kicked in at that stage and I felt myself running freely. A woman at the bus stop, in her eagerness to flag the bus, did not realise I was there and I had to slow down a little and shouted for her to move out of the way but apart from that, I just busted my lungs entirely and at the bus park near my house, I look as my watch switch from 9.99km to 10km and I pressed "stop" immediately. Time: 59min 49 seconds. I did a little punch in the air, fully knowing that some of these truck drivers sometimes spend the night in their truck and some might see my silly antics. I was too happy to care less. 2 years after my first 10km at AHM where I clocked a paltry 1 hr 12 mins, I finally brought it under an hour. Much thanks has to go to ZY, she of course is not privy to this blog but the few runs I've done with her made me realise I could do decently at a higher pace and after a few runs, I manage to find that higher pace at which I'm comfortable with. Looking forward to singing up for a 10km run one of these days, officially clock in that 1 hour timing and have a certificate for keepsake. Happiness defined.

Via de la Plata

This video was auto-highlighted to me on youtube today.

Via De La Plata - The Silver Way or something to that effect. What I can surmise from the video was basically that this wonderful couple (probably together with some friends) did the full camino together.

I skipped their first 3 videos and watched the last one and true enough, it featured a lot of places I went by. From the bridge at Ourense to that little marker where I finally felt like I was on the right path along the Camino and finally that little stairwell which I hobbled up in order to receive my certificate.

It brought back so much memories and although it has been 3 years and a lot has happened in that 3 years, it certainly didn't feel that way.

Would I ever do the camino again? Would I dare at least try for 200km instead of the 100km the last time? Having done so and knowing the pain it entails, I think I need a little more courage this time to try this all over again and for good measure, a little madness too.

But someday, maybe.. Who knows what the future may bring..

Are shit runs good?

Just completed another run with ZY.

Our run was abruptly cut short today as she had to meet a friend. Truth be told, thank goodness! Those Pepperidge Farm biscuits that I greedily bought after lunch took its toll right from the start. Didn't help that I wasn't feeling well this morning either. The moment we started running, my breath started getting heavier and heavier. Embarrassed, I tried to control my breathing better but I think that just made it worse as my lungs gasp for oxygen. What also didn't help was that we were running what was a new route to me, running through parts of Botanical Gardens that I've never been before. The small little slopes that peppered the route meant that I could not settle down into a decent rhythm and by the halfway mark, I was really struggling.

15 minutes later, the pain was over. I was a tad bit disappointed as I thought I could perserve on a little more, perhaps blowing my lungs out in the process. So upon returning to the gym, I took to the treadmill and that was certainly much better. Did another 15 minutes on there to eek out a nice 30 minute - 4km run. Cooled down, showered and am now back in the library, legs still burning and knowing full well that I'll pay for it tomorrow.

I'm always slightly at a loss after such runs. Should I be disappointed with myself because the run was just utterly rubbish or should I give myself a pat on the back for powering through nonetheless? That's of course only until the endorphins kick in and now, 4kms later, I'm feeling good and feeling like I've burnt off all those biscuits.

After these series of assignments are over, I'll have to find the time and properly eek out a good 12km run, just to up the mileage a little. Now its back to studying.

Are shit runs good?

Just completed another run with ZY.

Our run was abruptly cut short today as she had to move a friend. Truth be told, thank goodness! Those Pepperidge Farm biscuits that I greedily bought after lunch took its toll right from the start. Didn't help that I wasn't feeling well this morning either. The moment we started running, my breath started getting heavier and heavier. Embarrassed, I tried to control my breathing better but I think that just made it worse as my lungs gasp for oxygen. What also didn't help was that we were running what was a new route to me, running through parts of Botanical Gardens that I've never been before. The small little slopes that peppered the route meant that I could not settle down into a decent rhythm and by the halfway mark, I was really struggling.

15 minutes later, the pain was over. I was a tad bit disappointed as I thought I could perserve on a little more, perhaps blowing my lungs out in the process. So upon returning to the gym, I took to the treadmill and that was certainly much better. Did another 15 minutes on there to eek out a nice 30 minute - 4km run. Cooled down, showered and am now back in the library, legs still burning and knowing full well that I'll pay for it tomorrow.

I'm always slightly at a loss after such runs. Should I be disappointed with myself because the run was just utterly rubbish or should I give myself a pat on the back for powering through nonetheless? That's of course only until the endorphins kick in and now, 4kms later, I'm feeling good and feeling like I've burnt off all those biscuits.

After these series of assignments are over, I'll have to find the time and properly eek out a good 12km run, just to up the mileage a little. Now its back to studying.

End of the week (somewhat)

I can't quite say that my week has ended or that I can breath a sigh of relief but given that I handed in 2 assignments today and endured through a Conveyancing tutorial, I think it's fair enough to let loose a little. For that very reason, I was really looking forward to an evening with GH and S. It didn't feel too long ago that we met up with S when she came back from HK but it was nonetheless good to see her again.

Night started off at Altitude and I got all excited when GH msged to say that the view was spectacular as the lights for F1 were on. A little wait at the escalator and when I got up there, the view was truly spectacular.

Image isn't the sharpest but you can imagine how beautiful it was. Hoping that I don't sound too filled with national pride when I say this but F1 really showcases how beautiful Singapore has turned out in the last few years and I'm looking forward to the race this weekend.

We didn't stay too long at Altitude as we were getting hungry and so proceeded on to Cugini for dinner. Never been to Cugini before but I'm starting to really put my faith in GH. When she suggests a place, we can usually count on it. 

Alas the night ended early as GH was heading home and S was off clubbing. I'm not complaining though. As much as I wanted to chill out some more, I could feel my body shutting down. Plus my interactions with ZY lately have really started making me think twice about how I treat my body. 8 hours sleep, proper food, etc. It's not really that much of a lifestyle change since I am usually aware of how much I push myself but I guess it wouldn't hurt to instill in myself a little more discipline.

With that in mind, I'm off to bed. Tomorrow, another essay awaits. Please let PLC end soon. I just want to get called!

Little moments.

Today was filled with such nice little moments and since it's actually quite a terrible week for me in terms of the amount of assignments due, these moments felt like a rare gift which I had to put it all down in the blog.

Wasn't in the best of moods this morning. Went to sleep thinking of Melou and was also upset with V.. Well to clarify things, I saw on FB that she had booked her tickets to Nepal. It isn't one of the places that feature high on my "Place To Visit" list but when a friend asked her where she was going, she said something like "To watch the sun rise over the Himalayas". Somehow, I felt upset seeing that message, I can't tell if I'm upset with her or just upset with myself but it felt like one of those things that we should be experiencing together as a couple and not having her travel there by herself to experience on her own.

I know, I know, it sounds terribly childish and immature of me but I'm upset nonetheless and if that speaks volumes about my maturity then so be it.

So in any case, I made my way down to Black which of course never fails to cheer me up a little, sipping on that nice latte (opted for an iced one since it was searingly hot today) and in that 3 hours I was there, I actually managed to get quite a bit of work done. I took a solo lunch at Earshot Cafe to do a bit of carbo-loading for the evening run and then proceeded to lecture. After the lecture, C and well, C, wanted to discuss one of the assignments. It took me completely by surprise and I was not prepared at all, but being the nice friends they were, they were happy for me to leach off them though I did manage a couple of contributions here and there. I felt more at ease after the discussion, the assignment now definitely looking a lot easier.

Went for a run with ZY after tutorial. Excellent run. We did 9.2km in 55 minutes and it was not only till we were warming down later did I realise that if I could do 9.2 km in 55 minutes, then my long targetted 10km under an hour was definitely possible with just a little more training. Was truly happy about it though I must have looked a little silly grinning at that prospect in front of ZY who does 10 km in 40 minutes. ("45 minutes now" she corrected me, as if that makes a big deal of a difference)

We ran past a number of tourists today and I can't help but think of the times when I was in Vancouver or San Fran and I saw these joggers and thought to myself "I move here just to get this weather and this view to do my runs in". I wonder if the tourists thought the same today. It's not quite Vancouver or San Fran but some of the places we ran by today was just absolutely beautiful and as nationalistic as this sounds, I have to say we're doing a real fine job in beautifying the city.

Along the run, I also bumped into J whom I just had the pleasure of catching up with at AF's wedding last saturday. Yelled out to him but he had his earphones on. I texted him later and he said that was his regular route too and will look out for me the next time. I really enjoyed catching up with everyone at AF's wedding and that just needs another separate blog entry on its own. More on that another time.

Also got a msg from GH. I only saw it after my run but it read "So your ankle okay already ah?" "Idiot!" I exclaimed out loud, shocking ZY a little. I had taken a cursory look at Overeasy as I ran by to see if I could spot GH but a lack of effort plus an immense amount of concentration on keeping up with ZY must have made me miss her. Funny message to come back too though!

On MRT home, I got a message from S who just got back from Hawaii with her boyfriend and proclaimed to us all that the boyfriend proposed and she said yes. Happy for her. Long distances are never easy but it's always wonderful when one works out. I texted back saying "Happy for you but starting to think C and I hang out with the wrong bunch of girls. In the past year, all of you either got engaged or pregnant!" Haha..

I feel compelled to find the moral of the story after that telling these series of moments so here goes..  (1) Life can still be beautiful no matter how stressed out we are and (2) I am surrounded by wonderful friends and with that, adieu.

The Wicker Basket..

Tonight when I came home, I allowed myself to imagine for a moment.

I closed my eyes and listened hard for that slight stirring in that wicker basket. I never knew whether you smelled that I was home or that the light streaming in from the door cast a little shadow onto your basket. But often, you would stir from your sleep and cock your head up to look at me.

On days when I'm tired, I just walk past you and go get my towel to go shower. Sometimes on the way to the bathroom, guilt strikes me and I kneel down to play with you for awhile. Sometimes when the mood hits me, I immediately pick you up from the basket to shower you with love or at least give you a light pat because I didn't want to disturb your rest.

Tonight, no wicker basket was in the house. No stirring could be heard. You're instead resting peacefully in that little porcelain urn.

A part of me wishes I had played with you more often but I also know that you know how much I love you and you know how much mummy loves you too. Whatever the nature of things truly are, I have to tell myself that because knowing it any other way would just not suffice, would just not keep me sane.

Someday the tears will stop flowing and the heart will stop aching but my memories for you will never be forgotten and there will always, always, be a special place in my heart reserved for you.

Another letter to you..

I dreamt of you last night.

The dream was short and a little hazy but it looked like the void deck downstairs plus a slightly bigger field around it and you were running around it looking happy. You look younger, spritelier, perhaps close to the age when we first got you.

I remember when I used to bring you down to do your business. I wanted you to stay on the grass so that you will do your business and we can go up but you used to be so mischievous and dart off whenever I'm not looking.

When we used to stay at the old block, you darted off once and took the lift up on your own. I was so worried I combed every single floor and found you on the 5th floor, exactly where our house was except that we stayed on the 11th. Silly dog.

You know mummy sent out an email to the family to say that you had left us and because it was sent out on a saturday, not many of those at SP read it until monday. When Lak Mai asked Boh Nee how come she read it at the temple but didn't tell her, Boh Nee said she was just so upset she went upstairs to her room and locked herself in to cry.

Uncle FW who hardly played with you also told mummy he was so sad to hear the news and even Popo who always said we should not cry over animals shed a tear for you. Mummy said even some random auntie downstairs got her eyes all watery when Mummy told her that we had put you to sleep.

You meant so much to all of us and that's because you were always so loving. You were quiet and never made a noise but in your own way, you silently touched each one of our lives.

Mummy brought your ashes home yesterday. I had classes so I didn't go along with her. In some ways, I was glad I couldn't make it. I couldn't bring myself to go back there again and recall to mind all those sequence of events on Saturday. We place your little porcelain Urn on top of the amplifier with the candle next to it. It helps to see you in some physical form. Mummy said Shifu said we should not throw you in the sea as it will be cold for you. My catholic belief screams nonsense but y'know, it's you and I want you to be as comfortable as possible and if there's a chance a sea burial will mean you're cold, then we won't do it. Mummy said we could bury you downstairs. Go down one of these days after a rain so that the soil is soft and dig a hole for you. I think that's ideal because it means you'll be near to me. Would you like that?  I still want your porcelain urn around for a while more though. How long I'll take, I don't know but it's really comforting to see you around.

It's getting a little easier now to deal with your loss, but some nights like tonight, I still sit here typing this to you and crying over the keyboard.

I still can't believe you're gone. The house seems so empty these days. It's like its just mummy and I now and maybe in some ways its good because it forces us to talk more with each other especially now when we both need to support one another. But what I wouldn't give to have you with me again. I don't want you lying there crying in pain and hoping for us to carry you and I know you're in a better place but I wish you were here, scratching at my door to ask me to let you in. Or nuzzling your nose under my arm so that it fell nicely on your back, prompting me to give you a good scratch.

I miss you girl. I miss you so much..

You silly dog..

I miss you tremendously.

I come home and I see that patch of grass downstairs where we often bring you down to pee and it saddens me to no end.

MK jie wrote a nice email to mummy and I and talked about how she was so sad to hear the news even though she has not seen you for so long. She remembers how you used to stick your nose under her door to try to wake her up or how she used to carry you whilst she was working on the computer. If it helps your memory, MK jie is "the girl with the smelly feet". We used to call her that because you used to run up to her when she came home, smell her feet, recognise her and then got all excited.

We lit a candle for you the last 2 nights and left the altar lights on. If you wish to visit, please feel free to. I know it's a much better place where you are now but it would be nice if you left that turkey bone alone for awhile and come see me in my dreams.

I miss you you silly dog, so so much.

Melou (1994-2010)

There are days in UK when I'm riding the bus to campus and my mind wanders and I think about Melou. I think about how old she is getting, how her eyesight is deteoriating and whether she misses me. And sometimes, I think about whether I'll still be in UK when her time comes and I can't help but shed a tear. Flustered, I often would whip out my sunglasses just to hide my face from everyone on the bus.

I'm glad that she lived a good and happy life and most of all, I'm glad she waited for me to come home and gave me the chance to spend these last 3 years with her. But those moments described above have played through my mind so many times that it feels like this eulogy has written itself over and over in my head many times over.

I received Melou from my mum's colleague in 1997. I remember the day clearly. I had gone to Jubilee Hall theatre to catch a play with my Sec 3 class.  What play it was I did not remember and that's probably because my mind was only on the fact that my mum was bringing a dog back for me. My mum picked QX and me up after the play and started complaining about the dog being very naughty and keeps barking and because she's not toilet trained, my mum had locked her in the kitchen.

When we got home, I slid open that kitchen door and this beautiful white dog jumped at me excitedly. I played with you and you did not bark one bit. I suggested to mummy that maybe you didn't like to be cooped up in the kitchen and so we let you loose around the house and not one sound did you make.

When we brought you downstairs to pee, we tried to be responsible owners and put you on your leash. But you hated it. You would not budge whenever you had a leash attached to you. You didn't even like having a collar around your neck. So we let you loose and you were happy.

For an only child in a single parent family, you mean the world and more to me. You always greeted me so happily whenever I came home from school. I joke that you lasted longer than any of my girlfriends but that's really the truth. You were there to comfort me when I broke up with each one of them and you often hide under the sofa/bed whenever mummy and I quarrel but when the storm had passed, you would come out from your hiding place and quietly plop yourself down next to me and rest your head against my leg. You loved unconditionally and in doing so, you taught me how to do the same too.

The last couple of months, you fell ill and then you had a fall and could not walk anymore. You got frustrated and cried often and we ended up having to keep you in the storeroom for fear that your barking would upset the neighbours. We also found that on cold nights, you much preferred the shelter of the storeroom. But your condition got worse and your cries of pain and frustration became louder and louder and so today, my best friend, we let you loose and end your suffering. May you have fun running around the big fields of heaven. May God restore your sight and let you run free and someday, we shall meet again my dear friend.

You mean everything, everything, everything to this lonely boy and you journeyed with me through my life every step of the way.  I love you my dear sweet friend. May you find peace in heaven and as Fr Bosco said today, "May the angels welcome you home".

Always and forever yours,
Sherwin

Family Lawyer? No. Runner? Maybe.

Family law tutorial dragged on a little today and as the tutor rambled on about the manner in which you should manage your client, I drifted off a little and pictured myself as a family lawyer. I imagined putting my people skill to good use, to try my best to put my client at ease and with each case settled, I might just feel a sense of satisfaction having done some damage control and perhaps a little bit of good. I was so immersed in that little thought, albeit for a few seconds, that I got worried and quickly snapped myself back out of it. I don't believe myself to be a money grubber but I do like a comfortable life and I think I've found my balance with corporate work. Something I can make some money out of and at the same time, gain a level of satisfaction from the work. Family law? Perhaps in another life..

Had my dinner at the coffeeshop and played my Xbox for slightly under an hour just to allow for the food to digest. Then it was time to hit the roads once more...

As I started pounding the pavement, I was more than a little anxious, wondering where I might tank once again and take another long walk home. As I reach the point where I tanked the last time, I found myself doing some sort of body check up on myself - Stomach? Not churning, not feeling empty. Legs? Groin's acting up a little and ankle's still a little niggly but generally okay. Feeling a little more confident, I pressed on and before I knew it, I looked at my watch and I had clocked 8.4km. I knew the little turn back from Bishan would bring me up to an even 10km and I was so happy there was an extra spring in my step. I shuffled my feet faster, lengthen my stride a little and with an extra bounce, quicken my pace. At the 10km mark, I clocked 1 hour 10 minutes. My best 10km was Stanchart a couple of years back where I got 1hr 4 minutes. It was a little off but I was still very happy I did it. That's 7 min/km pace and if I continued at that pace for my 21km, I would have hit my 2hr 30 minute target. Of course that's one huge assumption but I'm just really glad to be out there clocking up distances once more.

I'm probably about 2 weeks short of AHM and will give it a miss this year but I'm gonna soldier on and look towards doing well for Stanchart at the end of the year. Feeling really confident and happy - must be the endorphins!

Simple pleasures

That was what yesterday was about.

An SMS from Ahmad on Friday reminded me that I had to go to Kallang Leisure Park ("KLP") to collect my AHM race pack. 80% sure that I won't be doing the run but hey, paid for it already right, might as well go down to get my free t-shirt (though AHM t-shirt's are usually nothing to shout about).

So after waking up at 12 (major bio clock screw up these days), I ambled around the house a little before making the trip down. Ordinarily, I would have just cabbed there and back but the U2 tickets that I purchased this week has left me a little short on cash so I decided to rely on public transport instead. Made a 10 minute walk to the Ave 6 bus stop and took bus 851 (courtesy of my gothere app on the Iphone) to Marymount MRT and then hopped on the circle line for a 22 minute mrt ride to KLP.

Was expecting to have to queue for at least an hour ala Adidas Sundown but it was so fast I was in and out of KLP within 5 minutes. Made the reverse journey and was home in less than 2 hours.

Why am I setting this out in such great detail?

Firstly, the entire journey was rather therapeutic in some way. I'm often rushing from one point to another, I don't like wasting my time on the bus and on the train. Not that I don't waste my time at all, I just rather waste my time elsewhere. It was just nice to move along at an easy pace and take in the sights and sounds around me. Though a part of me was worried as to whether I can run the errand and be back in time to get ready for my dinner plans, I really didn't feel all too rushed. It was just a nice relaxing saturday afternoon altogether.

Secondly, as I hopped onto the train again at KLP, I bumped into D! It was such a pleasant surprise! I had heard that he's with the Brunei police now and is in Singapore to train with the Home Team but I had never gotten down to contacting him. The last time I saw him was still during uni days and in the turn of an eye, it's been 3 years! We were never that close in uni, just merely soccer buddies but I was really really happy to see him once again. The timing of our meeting also meant I could invite him to the Warwick gathering at night which he was quite happy to come along and meet up with everyone else once again. Invited him down to join me for Cage football one of these days, though he gets a little intense when playing football, it should be fun to have him on the pitch once more.

I was really glad I took the public transport option, without which I wouldn't have been bumped into him. Also, I made a slight detour on the return journey at Marymount MRT to head over to Shunfu market for lunch. I've always had the impression that it was a place laden with good food but perhaps given the time of the day, most of the shops were closed. I did manage to eat my bak chor mee, something I've been having a hankering for the last couple of weeks now (I had refused to eat poor quality ones around my house).

Evening was spent catching up with L who had just came back from Shanghai and the rest of the gang from the Firm. Was good catching up once again and we were in stitches at various points of the conversation. Also spoke a little to M in the course of the meal especially when the others' talk of CorpFin work became a little too technical for my liking. She asked me about my relationship status these days and I indulged her and gave her a quick but honest summary of my current situation.

Proceeded to join the Warwick group for the aforementioned meet up after the dinner. Was good to see all of them again but will also be seeing them next week and A's wedding. A was really nice to switch seats across the long table just to come over and speak to me and he's one person I'm always more than happy to talk to. I couldn't be more happy for him that he's tying the knot next week and I'm really looking forward to that wedding.

Tanked..

Decided to test out the ankle for the first time last night. With AHM less than 2 weeks away, it's now or never. Armed with nice tight socks and an ankle guard, I took to the road. Immediately within a few steps, I felt the niggling sensation in my ankle but if there was anything that the Addidas Sundown experience has taught me, some pain can just be pushed through even if it bothers you the entire run.I actually felt pretty good after the first couple of km. Felt happy to be out running again and even the pain in the ankle felt good in some masochistic way.

Then at the 3.8km mark, I just completely crashed. I thought all I needed was a little breather, take a little walk and then start running again but when I tried, I just felt like I had nothing left in me. An empty tank. I remembered Fong words about running at a lower heart rate and thereby only using your fats as fuel and god knows I have plenty of that in reserve. So I tried, I slowed down to an almost walking pace but shuffled my feet decently enough to resemble some sort of jogging motion. Yet after 5 minutes of that, I could not do it any longer leaving me walking the remaining 2km back home. Any attempt to even start running again after that just left my slightly dizzy and worrying that I might just collapse into the uncovered drain next to me.

As runner after runner passed me, I felt real shitty. I tried to run through what I might have done wrong but in the end, I suspect it's a combination of a few reasons. The lack of sleep, the small amount of pasta I had eaten plus the fact that I hadn't done a run in weeks probably meant my body started burning up fuel a lot faster than expected.

Thoughts were that I most likely will have to pull out of the AHM. The end goal this year after all is Stanchart and I really should take it easy now to let my ankle have a chance to recover completely.

I still want to give it one more shot though, so maybe this weekend or something, I'm going to try taking to the road again. Hopefully I can get a decent run in this time.

Big Law, Big Dreams

A little late in this posting...

Had a rather odd dream last night.

I was on my way to Big Law's office, the name of which shall remain anonymous. 


I had already secured a position there at Big Law and was going to start work there after I get called to the Bar at the end of the year. As I was walking there, it suddenly hit me that if I had already secured a place, then why on earth was I walking there. I knew I had an 11am appointment but if not for an interview, then what was it for? Or was it purely my imagination that I had an 11am appointment? I decided to wing it and just go there and say that I have an 11am appointment and see if the receptionist had anything on her records.


As I got into the lift, a partner and a senior associate entered the lift as well. Only thing was, they were not employees of Big Law but of the Firm! And I don't even have much contact with them to begin with so it was really weird that they should suddenly appear in my dreams. I panicked! I cannot let them know that I'm here for an interview!  I smiled politely at them and decided to let them approach the receptionist first and after they have been shown to their meeting room, I'll then approach their receptionist to check on that 11am appointment. Only thing was they kept hovering around the reception area and refused to leave. I too then had to hang around the recep area hoping they leave soon and that's when I awoke.

Walking to class this morning, I gave some thought to my dream. What was the significance of the 2 from the Firm preventing me from approaching the receptionist? Did I subconsciously feel like the Firm is preventing me from joining other firms? Or maybe that's the reason I give myself to justify my own sense of inertia?

Sometimes when I think of joining a Big Law firm, I question my own abilities. Am I smart enough? Am I willing to put in the hours? Then now at PLC, I see these eager-eyed mint condition graduates around me, ready to brave this new world of theirs and I wonder why I cannot take this challenge with an equal amount of blind faith. I don't mean to sound egoistic but each time I hear a stupid answer from them or better them at class, I wonder why I do not dare dream big, do not dare to take the plunge.

Perhaps it is a fear of rejection. I worry that firms might turn me down because of my 2:2. Perhaps it is my fear of failure. Having gotten mediocre A level results followed by a mediocre law degree, I've convinced myself that I am better being a big fish in a small pond.

Since writing the above post, I've received very disappointing news. Things did not work out and I have to reformulate my plan. The thought now is to give it a year. See what I can achieve within this year. Work my heart out and take on as many projects as possible. Then reassess and perhaps take the plunge for Big Law.

Fran & Me & the Road

So plan did not start off as well as expected. Woke up this morning at 11am instead so gym was out of the question.

Did manage to put my bike in order to go out for a little spin. Because it was my first in ages plus it was also a test for my ankle, I decided to take it a little easy. Just do a ride up to the Mandai Shell station and back.

However by the time I got to Mandai, I had it in my head that I could squeeze out a little more and so on the way back, I took a little loop around Gambas avenue to make it a nice 40km ride. It was nice to be out on the road again. Plenty of cyclists around tonight but as usual, everyone's a little anti-social, really wish people were nice enough to give a nice nod or smile as they pass. I was happy to just be out with Fran on the road once more. The bumps and slopes are all still familiar and well, forgive the pun but it's like riding a bike. *cue cheesy drum roll*

Only thing that marred the ride was a stupid cab driver who couldn't wait for me and instead decide to cut in front of me so that he can take an exit off the main road. Then he realised he didn't have space to make a complete lane change and so I had to swerve my bike around his backside to avoid a collision. I swung out my arm and made to smack his sideview mirror but alas, my cycling skills are still a little rusty and I missed. I take comfort in the fact that I probably gave him a proper fright nonetheless.

All knackered out now and so I'm gonna take the chance to get in bed and hope I fall asleep earlier than usual. Been doing 4am nights, probably a case of slight insomnia but I really need to get my bio clock set right once more.

Inspired.

I don't deny that I quite like cyber-snooping.

Recently, I had a quick convo with a tutorial classmate. She was carrying an SIS bottle and I enquired as to whether she is a triathlete or something. She answered in the affirmative. I cyber snooped a little and found her blog. I love reading athlete's blog. Their struggles and discipline always so intriguing and motivating for me and this one was no different.

Reading it, I'm truly inspired.

Having been strucked down by my ankle injury 3 weeks ago, I've not had a chance to exercise whatsoever. My attempts at doing so stopped after I tried to do some yoga and ended up on the mat grimacing in pain. I've now come to realise that with my lack of exercise has also gone all other forms of discipline. To sleep on time, to study.

The time to get my life back in order has arrived. It's now or never. I need to power through and whatever ligaments that have been torned just means my ankle needs to be supported by stronger muscles.

Gonna go sleep now and hit the gym tomorrow morning. Will also do a cycle after tutorial tomorrow. It'll be my first cycle in a very very long time. Let's see if my cycling legs have completely abandoned me.

Till tomorrow.

Same old Arsenal..

So given no one reads this blog, I'm free to write as I please about Arsenal without worry of turning my readers off.

We kicked off the start of the EPL season today with a visit to Anfield. Liz was packed as usual and there were too many fair-weather fans and imposters there for my liking. The one that really irritates the hell out of me are the fair-weather fans though. Like I told Ben, come February when we're battling for a Champions' League spot, these fans will disappear. A few of them came in late, had absolutely no sense of space and started crowding me and on a few occasions, nearly stepped on my pristine-white lacoste shoes! Fuckers!

The imposters are of course easy to spot. Couple of guys next to me talked on and on about Man U's chances of success this season and a few were spotted wearing Pool jerseys. I love the fact that Liz's crowd has always been very welcoming of opposition fans but sometimes, I really wonder why these people even bother showing up here. The ones that really get on my nerves are those that come in plain clothes. Refusing the declare their allegiance and then when the score swings their way, they suddenly cheer like there's no tomorrow because they know that the Arsenal fans will be too upset to give them shit. One like that was standing near me today and when Koscienly got sent off for a ridiculous 2nd yellow, he had the nerve to put up his hand to clap.

I was so pissed I aimed a venomous "Fuck off!" at him! He didn't dare look in my direction but he stopped clapping straight away.

A word has to be said about Liz itself. I love the place and am grateful to the owner, who's of course an Arsenal fan, for allowing us to convert this branch into a true Arsenal lair. But the decision not to serve ice-water really pisses me off. I got very annoyed when it was first explained to me that if I want water, I need to go to the bar and drink at the bar. And then today, I'm told that they have decided not to even serve ice water at the bar.

Overall. It's great to see the start of the EPL once again. I would have enjoyed it more if Arsenal had completed their transfer dealings and we have a full squad to kick off the season with. Now still in desperate need for one goalkeeper and one defender, I can't fully celebrate the start of the season with utmost optimism about winning the title. It will however be a close fight and if I thought last year was bad where 3-4 teams ding dong-ed at the top, this year might just be worse. This season's certainly not one for the faint-hearted. Nor the fair-weathered.

Promethean Flame

Today, my mum who embraces national pride like no other, the typical pre-65er excitedly informs me that the YOG torch was going to pass through our area. That led to much to-ing and fro-ing as she kept trying to get me to go down with her to, as she says, "support the torch".

Still feeling the effects of last night's football game, my body was screaming "no!". The filial son in me however was nagging and very VERY grudgingly, I agreed to go along.

A sense of nostalgia always hits me whenever I enter into RI. Turning into the parking lot, I subconsciously recall how this used to be the area where we would end up hitting stray shots into from the tennis courts. Walking through the main foyer, I can't help but think that this used to be just rickety benches and a row of vending machines. Looking at the humongous artificial pitch, I reminisce how we used to have to share the pathetic field with softballers whilst at all times keeping off lane 1 and 2 of the track as the athletes went sprinting by.

As I leaned against the railing to look down at the YOG mascots, a man came and stood next to me. He didn't see me but he looked familiar. "Mr L?" I thought to myself. I looked down at his waist where a security card dangled. I saw the familiar name printed on it "LNS". Ahh... our SEA games Judo bronze medalist. How the hell he held me in the grip on that train trip in China and how helpless I felt, I'll never forget that moment.

He walked away and joined up with another man in tinted glasses. "Mr E Ng!" Wow! The head of boarding in my time. In my progress report for PE, he ticked A for almost everything that was in there.. sporting ability, fitness etc etc. And then I spotted an "E" grade. It was for "Sportsmanship". He taught me physical education but as you can imagine, he taught me so much more than that. I wanted to say "hi" but I was not in the most sociable mood so I let it slide and since he didn't spot me, I moved along.

After watching the YOG torch go by, we turned to walk towards the car. Just then, another familiar face walked past me. "Was that Ms Chia?" I asked my mum. My mum said it wasn't but at my insistence, she said "Try lah, go say hi"

"Are you Ms Chia?", I asked.
"No. I'm Ms Tan" came the reply. "I get that a lot. You are referring to Ms Chia T P?"
"Yes"
"You're an old boy? You were a boarder? You boarded at Morrison House"
I smiled at that quick fire series of questions and said yes to all the questions.
"Ms Chia is in HK now" she said, smiled and then went on her way.

We crossed the driveway over to the car and suddenly someone stands right in the middle of my path and thrusts his hand out waiting for me to shake it. I was so happy. It was Mr Ng. We exchanged pleasantries, he of course asked what I'm doing now and I enquired about whether he attended the 10 year batch reunion last year. I wish I had more to say to him. To thank him for teaching me a valuable lesson in life. But that would probably have been foolish and rather awkward.

12 years has passed since I left RI. All these wonderful human beings continue to serve the school in their own capacity. At this juncture where having been with the Firm for 3 years, I'm already considering my loyalty. These people show me what true loyalty means. True stalwarts of the school. True Rafflesians.

As the YOG flame fleetingly passes through the RI today. Another flame burns brighter. Promethean Flame. And these are my true torch bearers.

An odd kinda friendship..

Today CL was telling me about this couple in Singapore who chronicles their sex lives on a blog to rather disgusting effect..

CL said: "The blog's called '(I can't remember the name now)'. If you don't remember, you can check it out on my FB wall. M posted it on my wall"

She forgot that she edited her privacy settings in relation to me. She doesn't know I know.

I just smiled and said "No thanks.." and made some joke about how it all sounds rather gross..

You're a really nice girl and I love hanging out with you. But sometimes you can be so careless with other's feelings. I take it as some odd kinda ditziness and there are times when I find in endearing. Friends warn me otherwise. And it is for that reason that I will and continue to learn to keep you at arm's length.

Spending time with Mummy..

On one of those rare moments that Easyjournal was working, I read through some old entries of mine and came across the entry on my mum. Reading it, I realised I regressed on some actions plans I've made for myself. The biggest example of which is not sitting down to have meals with her and instead bringing it to my room so that I can sit in front of the tv or the laptop.

So I've since started trying to make it a point to eat with her as often as I can.

Today, we finally managed to sync our schedules and I brought her to Santouka Ramen. I love Santouka and that's saying a lot considering 4 years ago, I grouped Ramen in the same category as maggi mee. So it was a pleasure to finally share this wonderful meal with my mum.

It didn't start off well as she had trouble finding the restaurant and I was getting aggitated coz it was our turn next and they have a strict policy of only seating you when your entire party has arrived.

In any case, she made it just in time and after the food was served and we tucked in, all anger and animosity was forgotten. I think she found the ramen a little too salty but overall, she enjoyed it. We then went down to the Hokkaido japanese ice-cream parlour downstairs and she was so happy when she saw that they had a Green Tea Red Bean flavour. "That's my 2 favourite flavours combined!" she later remarked.

We each our ice cream and took a walk through Clarke Quay as she marvelled at how much Clarke Quay has truly changed.

Then we passed by Nectarie and I told her how they have such a terrible policy of not serving ice water and how V once took out her water bottle to drink and they actually had the nerve to ask her to keep it. Then mum being mum seized upon the opportunity and said "Do you think you'll get back together with her?"

I shrugged and gave a "don't know lah!" answer, hoping that she leave it as that.

"She knows you broke up not?"

"Yea, think she knows"

"Then just wait lor, see if she'll call"

Later that evening, I took a long 13km run. It gave me plenty of time to let my mind wander and I thought about what my mum said. I think my previous entry has pretty much spelled out what I feel about getting together with V, the long and short of it being I'm so messed up and confused I really don't know if I want to.

Does mum really know best? In that last sentence, has she cut through all the bullshit and think that she knows pretty well what her son wants?

After our walk around Clarke Quay, we sat down by the river in front of Central. She then repeated her story about how my dad and her met. How they broke up and then my dad chased her again and the rest is history. Has my destiny already been written for me?

Lost and Confused

Having spent the last few days fretting over whether I'll be able to secure my IPhone 4 and at what price, it only occurred to me this morning that when trading in my phone, I'll, in the process, lose all smses from V.  I looked through a few this morning on the cab to the courts but the bumpy cab ride did not allow me to look through too many. What I saw were simple smses, held very little in terms of substance.. the usual good mornings and good nights.. 'reporting' where she's going to be or where she's at now. I'm sure some of them were done more out of routine than anything else, including even the occasional "love you"s, but I can't help feeling like we had something going there..

Just finished watching Couples' Retreat and I'm wondering if that was us. That after 5 years together, we just started taking things for granted. We were so comfortable with each other that we did not appreciate that comfort any more.

These days, having ended things with A, I feel like I need some time to myself. At the back of my mind, there's a real urge to call V up and say "you still want to get back together?" but I keep telling myself that I need to be 100% certain about this. Yet how can I ever be 100% certain? It is ALWAYS a leap of faith isn't it? And how can I even come close to 100% if she doesn't even want to speak to me? It is not like I blame her for it though.. I should not re-open wounds for her if I am not confident of healing it. And so that is how it goes.. I've reached some sort of impasse here and I honestly don't know what to do. Sometimes I think "let mother nature take its course.." and "time will tell.." and yet the thought that she might end up with someone else haunts and worries me.

Perhaps I deserve this. Perhaps I was given my chance and I blew it big time..

I'm sitting here trying to think of a brilliant way to end this post, but truth is I'm just lost and confused and that's the bottom line.

Feeling Foolish

Received an SMS from O today. 2 actually. First one frightened, the second one saddened.

I tried to do damage limitation but somehow made it worse (some people just do not have sufficient composure to make it in the legal industry).

After working for the last 3 years, I'm still such a newbie when it comes to office politics. I'm still impulsive, I still do not strategise well, I still do not learn to keep my big mouth shut..

This is like when O scolded me when I messed up a work for the first time with O.. I feel bad not because I messed up the work, but because I let O down.

I sit here at my com, Katherine Jenkins in the background, afraid to go to sleep. For fear that when I wake up, the shit has shifted nearer to the fan.

Time to hit the shower and then perhaps hit the bottle a little. Nothing a little old school West Wing + Whisky combination will not cure.

Exhausted.

Cold has subsided a little but a cough has taken its place. Perhaps it's a little bit more of a flu coz I'm aching all over as well..

I'm going to do a run tomorrow. I don't care if I'm still ill. I don't care if I'm not young anymore. I just need to get out and start running.

Men are babies when they're sick

Got a mild cold yesterday. Made the mistake of thinking I'm still in my early 20s and slept without a shirt on the night before. Popped a couple of cold tablets last night hoping that I'll wake up with the cold all gone. Unfortunately, it decided to hang around a little longer..

The cold tablets made me extremely drowsy and I slept and stoned through a large portion of lectures today. Since I had already agreed to go for a run with Ahmad in the evening and obviously still struggling with the fact that I'm 28 and no longer young, I went ahead and ran our 6.5km route the Singapore River.

The run was tough and despite Ahmad going "don't worry bro, we go slow, you set the pace", he was the one leading me all the way and inadvertently, setting a pace of his own. Felt like shit after the run and as I was at the gym to hit the shower, an amusing thought came to my head. I can't remember if it was V who said it once but every time I'm sick, I think of this line.. "Men are babies when they're sick". We always wants someone to molly coddle us, to tuck us in bed and bring us hot tea, to fuss over us when we don't want to take our medicine etc etc. For a brief while, I thought about how I don't have that any more. You win some you lose some I suppose. C'est La Vie.

Not all us have the fortune of having a hot girlfriend, win the WC and have a nickname like Sant Iker right?