Lost and Confused

Having spent the last few days fretting over whether I'll be able to secure my IPhone 4 and at what price, it only occurred to me this morning that when trading in my phone, I'll, in the process, lose all smses from V.  I looked through a few this morning on the cab to the courts but the bumpy cab ride did not allow me to look through too many. What I saw were simple smses, held very little in terms of substance.. the usual good mornings and good nights.. 'reporting' where she's going to be or where she's at now. I'm sure some of them were done more out of routine than anything else, including even the occasional "love you"s, but I can't help feeling like we had something going there..

Just finished watching Couples' Retreat and I'm wondering if that was us. That after 5 years together, we just started taking things for granted. We were so comfortable with each other that we did not appreciate that comfort any more.

These days, having ended things with A, I feel like I need some time to myself. At the back of my mind, there's a real urge to call V up and say "you still want to get back together?" but I keep telling myself that I need to be 100% certain about this. Yet how can I ever be 100% certain? It is ALWAYS a leap of faith isn't it? And how can I even come close to 100% if she doesn't even want to speak to me? It is not like I blame her for it though.. I should not re-open wounds for her if I am not confident of healing it. And so that is how it goes.. I've reached some sort of impasse here and I honestly don't know what to do. Sometimes I think "let mother nature take its course.." and "time will tell.." and yet the thought that she might end up with someone else haunts and worries me.

Perhaps I deserve this. Perhaps I was given my chance and I blew it big time..

I'm sitting here trying to think of a brilliant way to end this post, but truth is I'm just lost and confused and that's the bottom line.