Lost and Confused

Having spent the last few days fretting over whether I'll be able to secure my IPhone 4 and at what price, it only occurred to me this morning that when trading in my phone, I'll, in the process, lose all smses from V.  I looked through a few this morning on the cab to the courts but the bumpy cab ride did not allow me to look through too many. What I saw were simple smses, held very little in terms of substance.. the usual good mornings and good nights.. 'reporting' where she's going to be or where she's at now. I'm sure some of them were done more out of routine than anything else, including even the occasional "love you"s, but I can't help feeling like we had something going there..

Just finished watching Couples' Retreat and I'm wondering if that was us. That after 5 years together, we just started taking things for granted. We were so comfortable with each other that we did not appreciate that comfort any more.

These days, having ended things with A, I feel like I need some time to myself. At the back of my mind, there's a real urge to call V up and say "you still want to get back together?" but I keep telling myself that I need to be 100% certain about this. Yet how can I ever be 100% certain? It is ALWAYS a leap of faith isn't it? And how can I even come close to 100% if she doesn't even want to speak to me? It is not like I blame her for it though.. I should not re-open wounds for her if I am not confident of healing it. And so that is how it goes.. I've reached some sort of impasse here and I honestly don't know what to do. Sometimes I think "let mother nature take its course.." and "time will tell.." and yet the thought that she might end up with someone else haunts and worries me.

Perhaps I deserve this. Perhaps I was given my chance and I blew it big time..

I'm sitting here trying to think of a brilliant way to end this post, but truth is I'm just lost and confused and that's the bottom line.

Feeling Foolish

Received an SMS from O today. 2 actually. First one frightened, the second one saddened.

I tried to do damage limitation but somehow made it worse (some people just do not have sufficient composure to make it in the legal industry).

After working for the last 3 years, I'm still such a newbie when it comes to office politics. I'm still impulsive, I still do not strategise well, I still do not learn to keep my big mouth shut..

This is like when O scolded me when I messed up a work for the first time with O.. I feel bad not because I messed up the work, but because I let O down.

I sit here at my com, Katherine Jenkins in the background, afraid to go to sleep. For fear that when I wake up, the shit has shifted nearer to the fan.

Time to hit the shower and then perhaps hit the bottle a little. Nothing a little old school West Wing + Whisky combination will not cure.

Exhausted.

Cold has subsided a little but a cough has taken its place. Perhaps it's a little bit more of a flu coz I'm aching all over as well..

I'm going to do a run tomorrow. I don't care if I'm still ill. I don't care if I'm not young anymore. I just need to get out and start running.

Men are babies when they're sick

Got a mild cold yesterday. Made the mistake of thinking I'm still in my early 20s and slept without a shirt on the night before. Popped a couple of cold tablets last night hoping that I'll wake up with the cold all gone. Unfortunately, it decided to hang around a little longer..

The cold tablets made me extremely drowsy and I slept and stoned through a large portion of lectures today. Since I had already agreed to go for a run with Ahmad in the evening and obviously still struggling with the fact that I'm 28 and no longer young, I went ahead and ran our 6.5km route the Singapore River.

The run was tough and despite Ahmad going "don't worry bro, we go slow, you set the pace", he was the one leading me all the way and inadvertently, setting a pace of his own. Felt like shit after the run and as I was at the gym to hit the shower, an amusing thought came to my head. I can't remember if it was V who said it once but every time I'm sick, I think of this line.. "Men are babies when they're sick". We always wants someone to molly coddle us, to tuck us in bed and bring us hot tea, to fuss over us when we don't want to take our medicine etc etc. For a brief while, I thought about how I don't have that any more. You win some you lose some I suppose. C'est La Vie.

Not all us have the fortune of having a hot girlfriend, win the WC and have a nickname like Sant Iker right?

Another chapter closed

Things ended between A and I last week. Truth be told, it's hard to come into a new relationship having been in the same one for the last 5 years. Comparisons are made and expectations fell short. It's not A's fault. Just mine. In my eagerness to move on, I failed to recognise how unready I am for a new relationship. Hand on heart, I really did try my best to keep things going, but slowly, things started to become like a chore and relationships should be a lot of things but not that. So when pressed into a decision by A, I ended things. She said her best way to get over things is for her to hate the guy first. So very quickly, I have switched from being the target of her love & affection to her target of hate. A week ago, when I half-seriously suggested mailing her stuff back to her, I was rubbished and was told we'll arrange a time for me to pass it back to her. Today, when I smsed her to try to arrange a date and time, I was told I could either meet her at her friend's place or I could mail it back to her. It may just be me being sensitive about things but I took that as a "I don't want to meet you alone" hint and decided to mail the things back to her, across our tiny little island.

Many have of course FB-ed and sms me to check in, to make sure I'm ok. Those that I have been confiding with thinks its quite the joke, they jest at me thinking I'm more than okay, that I'm simply relieved to have finally done it after considering ending things for quite a while. The truth probably lies somewhere in between. In the meanwhile, I nod and smile to both parties, those who ask if I'm okay and those who jest.

I wrote this sometime back. It's actually directed at V but I guess now, it applies to both of them. In case it should be mistaken, I'm no cassanova, just really poor at relationships...

Her sadness, my pain
Her baggage strains
I am helpless
I am useless
No words of mine can comfort
No actions of mine can soothe
The willing samaritan is the robber
Who now can only be a bystander