Another letter to you..

I dreamt of you last night.

The dream was short and a little hazy but it looked like the void deck downstairs plus a slightly bigger field around it and you were running around it looking happy. You look younger, spritelier, perhaps close to the age when we first got you.

I remember when I used to bring you down to do your business. I wanted you to stay on the grass so that you will do your business and we can go up but you used to be so mischievous and dart off whenever I'm not looking.

When we used to stay at the old block, you darted off once and took the lift up on your own. I was so worried I combed every single floor and found you on the 5th floor, exactly where our house was except that we stayed on the 11th. Silly dog.

You know mummy sent out an email to the family to say that you had left us and because it was sent out on a saturday, not many of those at SP read it until monday. When Lak Mai asked Boh Nee how come she read it at the temple but didn't tell her, Boh Nee said she was just so upset she went upstairs to her room and locked herself in to cry.

Uncle FW who hardly played with you also told mummy he was so sad to hear the news and even Popo who always said we should not cry over animals shed a tear for you. Mummy said even some random auntie downstairs got her eyes all watery when Mummy told her that we had put you to sleep.

You meant so much to all of us and that's because you were always so loving. You were quiet and never made a noise but in your own way, you silently touched each one of our lives.

Mummy brought your ashes home yesterday. I had classes so I didn't go along with her. In some ways, I was glad I couldn't make it. I couldn't bring myself to go back there again and recall to mind all those sequence of events on Saturday. We place your little porcelain Urn on top of the amplifier with the candle next to it. It helps to see you in some physical form. Mummy said Shifu said we should not throw you in the sea as it will be cold for you. My catholic belief screams nonsense but y'know, it's you and I want you to be as comfortable as possible and if there's a chance a sea burial will mean you're cold, then we won't do it. Mummy said we could bury you downstairs. Go down one of these days after a rain so that the soil is soft and dig a hole for you. I think that's ideal because it means you'll be near to me. Would you like that?  I still want your porcelain urn around for a while more though. How long I'll take, I don't know but it's really comforting to see you around.

It's getting a little easier now to deal with your loss, but some nights like tonight, I still sit here typing this to you and crying over the keyboard.

I still can't believe you're gone. The house seems so empty these days. It's like its just mummy and I now and maybe in some ways its good because it forces us to talk more with each other especially now when we both need to support one another. But what I wouldn't give to have you with me again. I don't want you lying there crying in pain and hoping for us to carry you and I know you're in a better place but I wish you were here, scratching at my door to ask me to let you in. Or nuzzling your nose under my arm so that it fell nicely on your back, prompting me to give you a good scratch.

I miss you girl. I miss you so much..