Things ended between A and I last week. Truth be told, it's hard to come into a new relationship having been in the same one for the last 5 years. Comparisons are made and expectations fell short. It's not A's fault. Just mine. In my eagerness to move on, I failed to recognise how unready I am for a new relationship. Hand on heart, I really did try my best to keep things going, but slowly, things started to become like a chore and relationships should be a lot of things but not that. So when pressed into a decision by A, I ended things. She said her best way to get over things is for her to hate the guy first. So very quickly, I have switched from being the target of her love & affection to her target of hate. A week ago, when I half-seriously suggested mailing her stuff back to her, I was rubbished and was told we'll arrange a time for me to pass it back to her. Today, when I smsed her to try to arrange a date and time, I was told I could either meet her at her friend's place or I could mail it back to her. It may just be me being sensitive about things but I took that as a "I don't want to meet you alone" hint and decided to mail the things back to her, across our tiny little island.
Many have of course FB-ed and sms me to check in, to make sure I'm ok. Those that I have been confiding with thinks its quite the joke, they jest at me thinking I'm more than okay, that I'm simply relieved to have finally done it after considering ending things for quite a while. The truth probably lies somewhere in between. In the meanwhile, I nod and smile to both parties, those who ask if I'm okay and those who jest.
I wrote this sometime back. It's actually directed at V but I guess now, it applies to both of them. In case it should be mistaken, I'm no cassanova, just really poor at relationships...
Her sadness, my pain
Her baggage strains
I am helpless
I am useless
No words of mine can comfort
No actions of mine can soothe
The willing samaritan is the robber
Who now can only be a bystander
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